I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
