I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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