It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
