I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
