I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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