i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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