When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
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Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
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I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush