BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
