Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
