so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
