hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
