i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
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In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
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No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.