your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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