Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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