We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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