i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
