I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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