I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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