hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
