I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize