i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
