You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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