He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
