Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
