i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
