When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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