I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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