just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
is that a dick in a sweater?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
