So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize