You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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