I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
