Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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