Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
