I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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