He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm like, not good at living.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
