dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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