he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
