I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So squirting runs in the family.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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