I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Randomize
