the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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