my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
