Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
