you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
