Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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