Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
