My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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