Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
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