I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
