i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
