She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You've changed since you got that strap on
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
