Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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