the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
