I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
