Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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