She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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