Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
