FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
are you so shy because you have an std?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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