I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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