the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
