awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
