you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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