apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i've created a new STD.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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